Saturday, August 30, 2003

Say... (remember when people used to say "say" to draw attention to whatever they're about to say next?)



I have been Sick. First, I did not realize I was Sick, then I did realize I was Sick, but thought if I could ignore it for long enough, it would Go Away. When it did not Go Away, I went to the doctor, and then to another doctor, and told them the long story of me being Sick but not knowing it, then figuring it out, then coming to them. I also listed the myriad of symptoms (there were like 12, though oddly no fever) and they didn't even say "hmm," and then they took liquids out of me and tested them and said, "well, we don't really know what's going on, but here are some drugs. take them." So now I cannot eat ice cream, which is all I want to do when I'm sick, because That's What You Do When You're Sick, even if you don't really have an appetite for ice cream, but I can't even eat it now that I'm pretty much not sick because of these stupid drugs they told me to take.



Jerks.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Bair and Falanced ay mass



SO. Been doing a little research here about Fox News's coverage of the whole number-of-American-soldiers-lost-since-the-war's-formal-end-exceeding-the-number-lost-during-combat thing that happened today. After noting the fact that the picture of Bush on the front page was taken from a low angle, thus pictorially deifying our president, we decided to look for pictures of Dean and Kerry. Found one of Dean, taken straight on (thus not deifying the presidential candidate), and couldn't find one of Kerry at all. (Thus ignoring, perhaps, the existence of that presidential candidate.)



But the more interesting thing to note is that when I searched the words "John Kerry" in the search box on the front page of Fox News, the following three Fox News articles came up:


1) "Bush to Address American Legion in Missouri"

2)"Topics and Guests, August 25th"

3)"Rumsfeld: We've Got Enough Troops in Iraq"



One out of three of these stories mentions Kerry, one time. (Criticizing Bush.)

It takes another click (on the "More Fox News Results" link) to come to a page containing links to actual stories about Kerry.



Perhaps Fox has a problem with their search engine?

Monday, August 25, 2003

we'll share a shelter



We get "This American Life" on Sundays, and I listen sporadically. ("This American Life" is a kick-ass-beautiful radio show on NPR.) I listened yesterday and was fucking useless for about 3 hours afterward, bursting into tears every 5 seconds. God damn, and I'm getting misty again here. (I'm not an especially sentimental person, so this is extra-disturbing.)



All this is to say, if you have speakers and realplayer, go here, and click on the realplayer link under "Kid Logic." About 7-8 minutes in is the most beautiful, crushing story you've ever heard (about a 4-year-old learning about religion and humanity). Bring tissues.

Saturday, August 23, 2003

electronic document delivery, you are my bestest friend



Today I spent a total of 3 hours waiting. Good things came of all of this waiting, but as I am no longer working at the library, I have nothing to read. Two hours and forty minutes of these waiting instances were in person, and one was on the phone, which should count for about three days because on the phone you can't tell how close you are to being next, but then again I was able to play FreeCell and pretend that I didn't care if I didn't even know if there was an operator on duty at 10:45 on a freakin Saturday night, so maybe it's back down to counting fairly as 20 minutes.



What kind of shitty-ass company makes people work at 10:45 on a freakin Saturday night? And do I have a right to complain about this despite the fact that after about 2 years (no exaggerating) of needing to call this company and get this straightened out, I finally got the energy (from needing to procrasinate on cleaning my desk off) to make this call at 10:45pm, Aug. 23, 2003? This question will pester me for a while, I'm afraid.



The good things that came of all this other waiting were spiffy new license plates and some mind-blowing spinach artichoke dip.



In other news, I am now hearing lots of yelling coming from next door (a football game?) and a couple minutes ago there was a long string of explosions that I'm just assuming were fireworks, but could well have been an invasion.



I am thankful that I can joke about such things.

wacka-chucka



Okay, I want to respond to this person's most recent post, but I'm not a LiveJournal user and do not wish to become one, and I can't find her e-mail address, so I thought I'd give it to y'all because it's been on my mind anyhow.


A quote: "One thing that really makes me uncomfortable is the notion that people who come from a small town are ignorant/uncultured. I mean, first off to be "cultured", in the common North American sense of the word, traditionally means the thoughts and practices of the rich and the white. But besides that, who's to say that small-town people aren't liberal or even radical, or know what's going on in the world? Why is the focus and the favour on the big cities?"



My response: Ugh, I know! I am SO TIRED of hearing about how New York and LA are liberal and the entire rest of the US is conservative! (Wonder to self: hmm - are we equating "cultured" with "liberal"? Now THAT would be interesting, albeit likely oversimplified.) Gosh, since I live in Ohio, I guess I'll go pick up Ann Coulter's great new book and flip on Fox News. Mmm, that O'Reilly fellow sure knows how to show those bleeding-heart liberal guests where to shove it!



And why is bleeding-heart an insult again? Compassion for fellow human beings, what?



AND, (I'm really getting kind of riled up here, sorry) if your philosophy at any point hinges on the assertion that "some people just like to collect garbage and put it in a big truck/clean public restrooms/any other crappy job that I personally would rather kill myself than do," then you are deluding yourself to an appaling extent in order to ignore the painfully obvious problems with consumer capitalism.



Okey dokey then.

if you love someone, set them on fire



Last night I discovered the ideal way to condition one's hair. Forgive me if this is old news to you, but if not, please brace yourself - I'm about to change your life.



It actually came out of a dire situation -- I had gotten into the shower and had, as happens in showers, become drenched, before I realized that I hadn't remembered to grab a new bottle of shampoo or conditioner. Being how I am, I also had two damn near empty bottles left in the shower.


Also note that my hair, which is long and curly and extremely unruly was at its unruliest, and the conditioner I had managed to scrape and shake out of the damn near empty bottle was taming about half of it.


SO. Here's what I did. I filled the damn near empty bottle of conditioner to the brim with water, and dumped it over my head. Voila! Completely conditioned. The tangles went screaming from my hair like - I don't know - can't think of anything not terribly dirty - still can't - going to have to settle for - cockroaches from the kitchen floor when the light comes on.


This was such a superior conditioning that I'm planning to test out whether it works the same way if you drop a dab of conditioner down to the bottom of an empty bottle, fill, and dump, but I suspect that something about the incredible surface area that the conditioner was spread over in the near empty bottle was key in getting superior conditioning. I suppose I could cap the bottle and shake, so as to dilute the drop of conditioner sufficiently, but that might be one or two more steps than I'm ready to accept into my conditioning routine.



I will, of course, keep you posted.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

freshy fresh fresh mini trash can



At around 4:30 (Eastern Time) on August 14th, we pulled off the highway to get gas in London, Ontario, being nearly in the red. We pulled up to the end of the exit ramp, and realized that the reason it kind of looked like chaos was because the traffic light was out. Shrugging, we continued to the Shell station, where we were informed we couldn't get gas because they didn't have power. We debated about whether we had enough gas to get to the next stop, and decided that rather than risk having to walk miles and miles (--sorry, kilometers and kilometers) in the heat, it would be better to wait.


So we waited and waited and waited. We staked out a hotel, banking on having to shower while it was still light out. We purchased cold water and word puzzle books from a quickstop place across from the Shell station which was staffed by two Asian women, one older, one younger, who squabbled over everything in another language and calculated totals, tax, and exchange rates on a little tiny calculator in the half-dark. We tried calling the place where we had reservations from a payphone that for some reason was working. We turned on the car radio periodically to hear the same things about the blackout over and over and over and over again. A man with a video camera was weaving his way through the slow-moving traffic, and I prepared a small statement in case he asked my opinion of the situation, but he never reached us.


Four and a half hours. It was starting to get dark. There were impatient families, and impatient men on cellphones, and impatient senior citizens buying sandwiches from a darkened restaurant. There were hundreds of lucky, gas-having cars inching through the stoplight. There were impatient honeymooners, only halfway to their destination with expensive reservations looming. There were folks chased from the hotel by lack of light, wandering the streets and talking to stranded families, senior citizens, and honeymooners. Power came on at the Petrol Canada station across the street. Power came on at the Sunoco station catecorner to Shell. ... Power came on at the Shell station. I wanted a chorus of cheers to go up, but there was no chorus of cheers. The cadre of gas-needing travelers which had formed in the parking lot of the Shell station (we figured that we were their leaders, having been there nearly from the beginning) swung into motion, yanking the nozzles out of their cradles and jammed them into their gas tanks, probably cursing themselves for not having done so in the 4 1/2 hours they had been sitting there, so as to not waste precious seconds once the power was back on. Gas glugged and the weary travelers crossed their arms and tapped their feet. The attendants cleaned windshields. Credit cards were swiped, nozzles returned to cradles, sheepish smiles exchanged. We got back on the road.


The radio had said that they returned power to big cities and were working their way to smaller ones. London was a smaller city, hence Toronto would have power. We would drive to Toronto and find a hotel. We drove for a while - we had become numb to the passage of time, so it could have been hours, could have been 10 minutes. The highway widened. Cars were coming out of nowhere, whizzing past us. The sun had set, and darkness drooped around our car, cut only by headlights. City street exits were popping up every half-mile or so. A huge apartment building glowed unevenly with candlelight. We were in Toronto. We were in Toronto and there was no power. There was a huge city surrounding us, citydwellers driving past us with city destinations in mind, and we could not even see the side of the road. The side of the six-lane highway. Surely there were darkened hotels feet (sorry, meters) from us, but we could not see them, and we would not stay in them without power. Then, we were no longer in Toronto. I had taken the wheel, I had gotten us out of Toronto without seeing 98% of it, and now I was rather lost in what could easily have been another, smaller city. Sitting on the side of the road, map taking up the whole front seat, illuminated by the carlight.


We picked a direction and drove. A Staples was lit up. Further, a car dealership. A very dark street party was going on, and we wove slowly through crowds of people. We stopped at a convenience mart that was lit up like a circus, shocking to our eyes. A man was inside. He appeared to be closing. He would know where a hotel was. I stood by the gate that surrounded the store, in front of the door. I caught his eye and waved. He waved back, and went about his business. He was pretending that he did not know that I wanted his attention. I was just being friendly, he pretended to think. I waved again as he walked past, and he pretended to be disturbed by my forthright friendliness, and went about his business.


After we gave up on bad-actor convenience store guy, we decided to just keep going for lack of a place to stay. And then, at the very edge of town, we stumbled across a Comfort Suites. We decided to stay there, despite the exorbitant rate and the lack of power, figuring that hey, it was Canadian money and the power might be back on soon anyway. They gave us a candle which we sat in a teacup in the middle of the room. I decided to shower in the dark, when we heard the surge of power. We didn't notice it, really, until we turned and saw the clock blinking, because all the lights and appliances had been shut off to prevent a power surge when it came back on. So, for the second time that day, we celebrated the power's return.


We got up early the next morning and kept going.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

now we're a family/and we're alright now/we got money and a little place/to fight now



Hello world. Here is a list of three things that I like:

crunchy granola bars

the purple kind of see-through plastic of office supplies (like, for example, my stapler)

giving something back to the community wacky polaroids



I need a project. Very, very desperately.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Monday Nights -- Designated Drivers Drink For Free!!!



Would you rather be the tickler or the tickled?

Sunday, August 03, 2003

prescription-strength applesauce



Well now. I have had just about enough of this direct marketing shite. For instance, on Amazon, there's a box in the upper left-hand corner of the page that says "You Know You Want It" and features an item from my Wish List. Yes, Amazon, I do know I want it, and I'm really fucking sorry I told you. I had had reservations about even making a wishlist, and now I've decided that it wasn't worth it if it's going to be lorded over me.



So. I guess I'll take my fucking wishlist down.



It's weird to think about how much energy the human race expends trying to get other people to buy stuff. Like that should even be important. What a waste.

enough jingle-janglery. if you do not have a firewall for your internet connections, go get yourself one right now. set aside 5 minutes for installation, and several hours for the shock of seeing what personal information your computer would have sent out if you did not have the firewall. (think social security number. think passwords.)

Saturday, August 02, 2003

so then I was all like...



You know what's fun? Translating French into slang-y English. Like in this article, when they use the phrase "epater le bourgeoisie," ("epater" meaning to shock or amaze), translate the phrase to "freakin' the squares."



It is this clash of tones, of culture levels, that amuses me so greatly that I'll probably write a whole thesis out of wherever that comes from in my brain.

not your average groupie, that's for sure



If you are bored by the headlines of the moment, just mentally add "at gunpoint" to the end of each one. For example


"Jobless Rate Dips: 470,000 Stop Searches At Gunpoint"


"Saddam's Daughters Express Love For Dad At Gunpoint"


"Schwarzenneger to Reveal Campaign Decision Wednesday At Gunpoint"



See? Doesn't it add some spice to some otherwise quotidian moments of future history?