Like I needed another reason to dislike Jimmy Falon.
In high school, my friend and I would assign each other essays to write. Persuasive essays on why we ought to see this or that movie, 700 words on freewill, that kind of thing. That must have been the beginning of my love affair with writing prompts. Brrrawrr.
In that tradition, I give you:
Why I will never see The Big Lebowski
by, Orooni
When I was in high school, The Big Lebowski came out. Boys in my grade who everyone thought were popular but who nobody actually liked liked The Big Lebowski. They quoted it liberally. I had gathered that it was about bowling, which I'm not really into. Many people told me I should watch it, and given the choice between watching it an a poke in the eye, I would have watched it. But I'm not a big movie person, and was never offered the choice between watching it and a poke in the eye, so I never saw it.
Then Kingpin came out, and over time became conflated with The Big Lebowski in my head. I still wasn't terribly interested in seeing it.
Occasionally, it would come up, and when I'd say I'd never seen it, people would act surprised and say to me that I should definitely see it. I would say, okay.
Then one day, the subject came up when I was with a bunch of friends, and they said you really need to see The Big Lebowski! And I said, alright. And they said, no really! We will drink white russians and watch The Big Lebowski! And I said, I like white russians. And they said, come over Saturday and bring some vodka, and so I did.
And at this point I should tell you that while I'll drink a wee bit here and there socially, I generally hate the taste of alcohol and would much rather spend money I don't have on yarn or fabric. But, two times in my life, I have been with a group of people and decided that it would be great to drink a whole lot! Bad decisions, these were. It is not great to drink a whole lot, even to get your sock money's worth out of that vodka.
So, we made white russians and settled in for an evening with The Big Lebowski. And by the time they were driving somewhere in a car, I had fallen asleep and woken up a few times and thought everything was hilarious even though I couldn't quite tell what was going on and was still wondering when Woody Harrelson was going to show up.
I will tell you, though, that that scene with John Turturro in the purple bowling jumpsuit doing whatever magical thing he did, which I think was rewound multiple times and imitated to perfection by every male in the room, was enough to penetrate the disgustingly chocolatey haze of my drunkness.
The evening did not end with me finally having taken in The Big Lebowski. I do not really want to think about how it did end.
So, flash forward many months, and Other brings home The Big Lebowski from the public library. Eventually we both feel like watching it, and pop it in. And the VHS copy of The Big Lebowski beeps.
We meet The Dude and it beeps a little bit, as if the tape is rubbing the wrong way against the inside of the VCR.
Other says, "Is The Big Lebowski beeping?" and I say "noooo..." because I know if it is beeping, we will not be able to watch it. Unfortunately I had already said, when we were in the process of discovering that the previous library patron had not been kind, rewind-ed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BEEPING?" because I thought the beeping was coming from the kitchen. So my denial was recognized for the disengenuous attempt at a Jedi-There-Is-No-Beeping-Just-Watch-the-Movie Mind Trick it was. The force is strong with Other, and that particular copy of The Big Lebowski went back to the public library.
We checked our local horrible movie rental place and it was not due back until the 10th. We checked the slick new DVD-spitting kiosk in the grocery store, and it did not have The Big Lebowski.
I priced The Big Lebowski at Borders, and it was either $12.99 or $14.99, depending on which copy you picked up, though the copies looked exactly the same in every other respect. I could not deal with the ambiguity and did not purchase it.
The 10th rolled around, and we found ourselves at the grocery store, and Other went in to the horrible movie rental place and they said yes, it's in! And Other said (or rather, thought to himself because he is cool and collected) Woohoo! And went to look for it.
I took the groceries back to the car and wondered whether Other had gone to the movie rental place to look for The Big Lebowski, because it was the 11th. Eventually I figured that the ice cream in the back seat was liquid enough to investigate the whereabouts of Other, and found him frowning in the "L" section. The Big Lebowski was on the premises enough to have been checked in, but was not in the "B" section. He and a movie renter were scouring the store. I helped by looking in the video game section and the new releases section.
After exacting multiple promises from the movie renter that she would call us later that evening when The Big Lebowski was found, we went home.
She did not call. Other called and was told that it hadn't turned up.
When we went back this evening, we found that it was checked out.
And that is how I know that the Universe is preventing me from watching The Big Lebowski.
In that tradition, I give you:
Why I will never see The Big Lebowski
by, Orooni
When I was in high school, The Big Lebowski came out. Boys in my grade who everyone thought were popular but who nobody actually liked liked The Big Lebowski. They quoted it liberally. I had gathered that it was about bowling, which I'm not really into. Many people told me I should watch it, and given the choice between watching it an a poke in the eye, I would have watched it. But I'm not a big movie person, and was never offered the choice between watching it and a poke in the eye, so I never saw it.
Then Kingpin came out, and over time became conflated with The Big Lebowski in my head. I still wasn't terribly interested in seeing it.
Occasionally, it would come up, and when I'd say I'd never seen it, people would act surprised and say to me that I should definitely see it. I would say, okay.
Then one day, the subject came up when I was with a bunch of friends, and they said you really need to see The Big Lebowski! And I said, alright. And they said, no really! We will drink white russians and watch The Big Lebowski! And I said, I like white russians. And they said, come over Saturday and bring some vodka, and so I did.
And at this point I should tell you that while I'll drink a wee bit here and there socially, I generally hate the taste of alcohol and would much rather spend money I don't have on yarn or fabric. But, two times in my life, I have been with a group of people and decided that it would be great to drink a whole lot! Bad decisions, these were. It is not great to drink a whole lot, even to get your sock money's worth out of that vodka.
So, we made white russians and settled in for an evening with The Big Lebowski. And by the time they were driving somewhere in a car, I had fallen asleep and woken up a few times and thought everything was hilarious even though I couldn't quite tell what was going on and was still wondering when Woody Harrelson was going to show up.
I will tell you, though, that that scene with John Turturro in the purple bowling jumpsuit doing whatever magical thing he did, which I think was rewound multiple times and imitated to perfection by every male in the room, was enough to penetrate the disgustingly chocolatey haze of my drunkness.
The evening did not end with me finally having taken in The Big Lebowski. I do not really want to think about how it did end.
So, flash forward many months, and Other brings home The Big Lebowski from the public library. Eventually we both feel like watching it, and pop it in. And the VHS copy of The Big Lebowski beeps.
We meet The Dude and it beeps a little bit, as if the tape is rubbing the wrong way against the inside of the VCR.
Other says, "Is The Big Lebowski beeping?" and I say "noooo..." because I know if it is beeping, we will not be able to watch it. Unfortunately I had already said, when we were in the process of discovering that the previous library patron had not been kind, rewind-ed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BEEPING?" because I thought the beeping was coming from the kitchen. So my denial was recognized for the disengenuous attempt at a Jedi-There-Is-No-Beeping-Just-Watch-the-Movie Mind Trick it was. The force is strong with Other, and that particular copy of The Big Lebowski went back to the public library.
We checked our local horrible movie rental place and it was not due back until the 10th. We checked the slick new DVD-spitting kiosk in the grocery store, and it did not have The Big Lebowski.
I priced The Big Lebowski at Borders, and it was either $12.99 or $14.99, depending on which copy you picked up, though the copies looked exactly the same in every other respect. I could not deal with the ambiguity and did not purchase it.
The 10th rolled around, and we found ourselves at the grocery store, and Other went in to the horrible movie rental place and they said yes, it's in! And Other said (or rather, thought to himself because he is cool and collected) Woohoo! And went to look for it.
I took the groceries back to the car and wondered whether Other had gone to the movie rental place to look for The Big Lebowski, because it was the 11th. Eventually I figured that the ice cream in the back seat was liquid enough to investigate the whereabouts of Other, and found him frowning in the "L" section. The Big Lebowski was on the premises enough to have been checked in, but was not in the "B" section. He and a movie renter were scouring the store. I helped by looking in the video game section and the new releases section.
After exacting multiple promises from the movie renter that she would call us later that evening when The Big Lebowski was found, we went home.
She did not call. Other called and was told that it hadn't turned up.
When we went back this evening, we found that it was checked out.
And that is how I know that the Universe is preventing me from watching The Big Lebowski.
<< Home