where o where is my book deal?
Every three weeks or so, I will ask Other when it will be time to apply to programs, because I honestly can't remember. (I can barely remember what month it is off the top of my head -- sometimes I walk outside and marvel at the (perfectly seasonal) weather, because it was so recently different.) Yesterday I was able to piece it together myself, on the basis of the fact that I probably wouldn't be subscribed to the APA grad school listings and doing all this research if it were still a year out, and that means that (eep) the December 1/15/30s being referenced are the ones that are in 2007. (And then I think oh my god it's 2007. Last week I went to write the date down and thought: 4-16-2005 2006 2007- oh my god, it's 2007.) (I remember seeing a 2007 expiration date on batteries and thinking, ha, yeah, 2007. Okay.)
Right, but the point of this is to say that the idea of applying to schools (and interviewing, oh god the interviewing) is making my teeth itch and maybe my lungs itch too. That seems to be a good way of describing the low-grade anxiety that the very idea of applying to schools and then (oh god) going to one of these schools (assuming I even get accepted anywhere) has the effect of sparking in me.
I've noticed in people a tendency to assume that everyone else (fellow applicants, say) have their shit together in mysterious and unimaginable and superior ways, and that succeeding in such a process should involve inflating every little thing that one has done, and I try not to fall into that. It's not like I have "research experience" or a "Master's Degree in this particular field" or whatever*, but I do think that what experience and degrees I do have will transfer, knowledge-wise, and that I could do okay in the program. So, maybe the road I have to hoe is a little more challenging than a having major + Master's degree in Psychology would make it, but shit, it's not like I'm applying to a Theoretical Math program. I don't want to study hypothetical numbers, I want to study people, and literature's all about people.
But maybe it's not even the application process so much as the idea that here is what I finally want to do With My Life. Here is a marbled-glass door to affix the letters of my name to. Here is a town I actually want to live in and a workplace I actually want to be invested in. What is that supposed to feel like?
In my thesis, I wrote a lot about what people imagine, and how this projection of themselves can affect their behavior. (Not nearly in those psychologyish of terms, though.) And so I have this new way to imagine myself and my life, and I'm still so close to the beginning of the road that my hoe still has the price tag on it and I'm trying to figure out how to scratch my lungs.
*which, actually, might kind of be a problem...
Right, but the point of this is to say that the idea of applying to schools (and interviewing, oh god the interviewing) is making my teeth itch and maybe my lungs itch too. That seems to be a good way of describing the low-grade anxiety that the very idea of applying to schools and then (oh god) going to one of these schools (assuming I even get accepted anywhere) has the effect of sparking in me.
I've noticed in people a tendency to assume that everyone else (fellow applicants, say) have their shit together in mysterious and unimaginable and superior ways, and that succeeding in such a process should involve inflating every little thing that one has done, and I try not to fall into that. It's not like I have "research experience" or a "Master's Degree in this particular field" or whatever*, but I do think that what experience and degrees I do have will transfer, knowledge-wise, and that I could do okay in the program. So, maybe the road I have to hoe is a little more challenging than a having major + Master's degree in Psychology would make it, but shit, it's not like I'm applying to a Theoretical Math program. I don't want to study hypothetical numbers, I want to study people, and literature's all about people.
But maybe it's not even the application process so much as the idea that here is what I finally want to do With My Life. Here is a marbled-glass door to affix the letters of my name to. Here is a town I actually want to live in and a workplace I actually want to be invested in. What is that supposed to feel like?
In my thesis, I wrote a lot about what people imagine, and how this projection of themselves can affect their behavior. (Not nearly in those psychologyish of terms, though.) And so I have this new way to imagine myself and my life, and I'm still so close to the beginning of the road that my hoe still has the price tag on it and I'm trying to figure out how to scratch my lungs.
*which, actually, might kind of be a problem...
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