I Go to the Mall and Do Not Shoot Anyone, Run Over Anyone in my Car, or Even Take Any Hostages, Even for Just a Few Minutes: A Christmas Story
This is, generally speaking, how I handle Christmas: denial denial denial, knit knit, denial denial denial, frantic shopping and mental self-flagellation, denial, relief.
So, yesterday evening found me getting off work a bit early, all the better to hit rush hour traffic on my way to the big, clean, rich-people, scary mall. As opposed to the closer mall.
And I must say, when I pulled into the parking lot of the BCR-PSM, I was taken aback at the sheer number of cars and then faced with that good old-fashioned American rage. ME SMASH CARS, GET OUT OF WAY, I thought. But then I thought, perhaps I will try being patient. And I did. And it was good.
In case you were looking for a way to "get through" the holidays, I hereby recommend a half-assed understanding of Zen Buddhism. It seems to fit, doesn't it?
Oh, and you should also get rid of as many friends as possible. Really cuts down on the shopping.
So, I smiled serenely at frazzled salespeople and didn't crash into a single member of the ravening hordes and plunked down money and got stuff for people I love. And people I am related to.
At one point I walked out of a department store into the main mall area and my steps actually slowed down as I looked up to take it all in. I noticed that, and wondered if it was purely a performative act, or if I really was momentarily overwhelmed with everything, like an immigrant stepping into NYC for the first time. I honestly don't know. That was weird.
But immediately thereafter I recognized a store front. I've been here before, I thought. Indeed, a few years ago my friend and I were Christmas shopping and she had bought a gigantic, gleaming butcher knife for her new husband there. This comforted me.
Then there was this thing with me getting to my cell phone, which I'd left in the car, calling my mom as quickly as possible and realizing I had just duplicated a gift for one of my brothers but pulling out of my parking spot anyway because certainly one of the four congregated cars would certainly have killed me, taken my keys, and rolled my car towards the nearest ditch if I wasn't going to give up my space.
But, hell, that's probably what I have two brothers for.
So, yesterday evening found me getting off work a bit early, all the better to hit rush hour traffic on my way to the big, clean, rich-people, scary mall. As opposed to the closer mall.
And I must say, when I pulled into the parking lot of the BCR-PSM, I was taken aback at the sheer number of cars and then faced with that good old-fashioned American rage. ME SMASH CARS, GET OUT OF WAY, I thought. But then I thought, perhaps I will try being patient. And I did. And it was good.
In case you were looking for a way to "get through" the holidays, I hereby recommend a half-assed understanding of Zen Buddhism. It seems to fit, doesn't it?
Oh, and you should also get rid of as many friends as possible. Really cuts down on the shopping.
So, I smiled serenely at frazzled salespeople and didn't crash into a single member of the ravening hordes and plunked down money and got stuff for people I love. And people I am related to.
At one point I walked out of a department store into the main mall area and my steps actually slowed down as I looked up to take it all in. I noticed that, and wondered if it was purely a performative act, or if I really was momentarily overwhelmed with everything, like an immigrant stepping into NYC for the first time. I honestly don't know. That was weird.
But immediately thereafter I recognized a store front. I've been here before, I thought. Indeed, a few years ago my friend and I were Christmas shopping and she had bought a gigantic, gleaming butcher knife for her new husband there. This comforted me.
Then there was this thing with me getting to my cell phone, which I'd left in the car, calling my mom as quickly as possible and realizing I had just duplicated a gift for one of my brothers but pulling out of my parking spot anyway because certainly one of the four congregated cars would certainly have killed me, taken my keys, and rolled my car towards the nearest ditch if I wasn't going to give up my space.
But, hell, that's probably what I have two brothers for.
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