An Open Letter to "Limited Edition" "Jack's Gems" M&M's Chocolate Candies
Dear "Limited Edition" "Jack's Gems" M&M's Chocolate Candies,
When I first marched past your special promotional endcap display on my way to the checkout and your dark brown packaging caught my eye, I think we both knew this was going to be something special. Oh, I know that you initially feared you'd be a rebound candy, tossed aside when new candy came along. I never denied that I was still hurt from my loss; "Limited Edition" "Easter Colors" M&M's Chocolate Candies and I shared a beautiful experience together. But you know that I loved you for you; your muted, jewel-toned candy shells of red, green, purple, and blue; your limited edition "M" designs - the hook, the skull, the crossed swords, the ship.
I will never forget our nights of endless speculation about the "M" designs that didn't make the cut. I still say that the plank is too difficult to represent on the side of an M with less than five lines, but I deeply admire your passionate dedication to the idea.
I never got sick of your "matey" jokes, and you bravely endured my endless teasing about the poorly photoshopped M-spokesperson on your bag and riffs on the whole unfortunate "Jack's Family Jewels" dimension of this whole thing.
That's what makes all of this so hard. It feels like we have so much more to share. But the fates at the MM Mars company have decided that the product tie-on with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest has run its course. I heard the movie wasn't even very good. It wasn't even until today, though, when I saw the end cap of Baby Wipes and plastic bottles, that I realized that our time was coming to an end as well. Even though I've known since I first saw you that this day would come, it still came as a shock. You saw me, wandering nonchalantly into the "Misc" aisle, digging nonchalantly through the White Chocolate "Limited Edition" "Jack's Gems" box, refusing to believe that it was over. I was looking for you. Of course I wasn't tempted by them; you know I feel it's what's inside that counts. And white chocolate isn't chocolate. It's vanilla. We both know that.
I was happy to have found you wedged in the candy aisle with all the regular bags of M&Ms, but it was a happiness tinged with understanding of the inevitable. You'll take your place in the venerable archives of MM Mars history, and I'll go back to the regular bags, the bags that occasionally taste and smell like Altoids because of improper shipment or storage.
We can at least try to enjoy these last few weeks (okay... days) together. And who knows, perhaps we will meet again between the fluorescent lights and shiny floors of the grocery store someday. I hear Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is in the works.
Yours in an astonishing freak show of gluttony,
M
When I first marched past your special promotional endcap display on my way to the checkout and your dark brown packaging caught my eye, I think we both knew this was going to be something special. Oh, I know that you initially feared you'd be a rebound candy, tossed aside when new candy came along. I never denied that I was still hurt from my loss; "Limited Edition" "Easter Colors" M&M's Chocolate Candies and I shared a beautiful experience together. But you know that I loved you for you; your muted, jewel-toned candy shells of red, green, purple, and blue; your limited edition "M" designs - the hook, the skull, the crossed swords, the ship.
I will never forget our nights of endless speculation about the "M" designs that didn't make the cut. I still say that the plank is too difficult to represent on the side of an M with less than five lines, but I deeply admire your passionate dedication to the idea.
I never got sick of your "matey" jokes, and you bravely endured my endless teasing about the poorly photoshopped M-spokesperson on your bag and riffs on the whole unfortunate "Jack's Family Jewels" dimension of this whole thing.
That's what makes all of this so hard. It feels like we have so much more to share. But the fates at the MM Mars company have decided that the product tie-on with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest has run its course. I heard the movie wasn't even very good. It wasn't even until today, though, when I saw the end cap of Baby Wipes and plastic bottles, that I realized that our time was coming to an end as well. Even though I've known since I first saw you that this day would come, it still came as a shock. You saw me, wandering nonchalantly into the "Misc" aisle, digging nonchalantly through the White Chocolate "Limited Edition" "Jack's Gems" box, refusing to believe that it was over. I was looking for you. Of course I wasn't tempted by them; you know I feel it's what's inside that counts. And white chocolate isn't chocolate. It's vanilla. We both know that.
I was happy to have found you wedged in the candy aisle with all the regular bags of M&Ms, but it was a happiness tinged with understanding of the inevitable. You'll take your place in the venerable archives of MM Mars history, and I'll go back to the regular bags, the bags that occasionally taste and smell like Altoids because of improper shipment or storage.
We can at least try to enjoy these last few weeks (okay... days) together. And who knows, perhaps we will meet again between the fluorescent lights and shiny floors of the grocery store someday. I hear Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is in the works.
Yours in an astonishing freak show of gluttony,
M
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