That's What Happens When Worlds Collide
Wow. I've just seen CSI Miami (well, the first half hour of an episode) and have no choice but to conclude that if there is a God, It is not a merciful one. (Haha, just kidding - there's no God!)
So, for all you junior detectives out there, here are some tips I cribbed on how to solve crime (and look totally kickass in the process!):
1) If you're not the boss, refer to the boss exclusively as "boss."
2) If you are the boss, use your underlings' names every time you address them. ("Kelly.")
3) Clues are like pellets when you type the right things into computers.
4) Computers make noises to tell you what is going on. Don't worry about studying the noises ahead of time; you will know what they mean.
5) Reason out loud. Remember: an unspoken thought is no thought at all. If you're the boss and you have an idea about how to solve the crime, announce it to your underling and instruct them to take the necessary steps to pursue it. ("Kelly, we find that silencer, we find the killer.") If you're an underling and have an idea, ask the boss a question. ("Boss, do you think the killer used a silencer?")
6) Remember the little comments your coworkers make and think of some way to mention the same thing the next time you talk to them. ("Organic chemistry.")
7) When speaking to anyone potentially (and however tangentially) related to the crime, be sure to invent a motive and accuse them of it. Example:
Boss: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Hey, boss - want some coffee?
Boss: And is that why you faked her abortion, planted a fetus in the dumpster, and had her body frozen in an abandoned salmon fishery?
Kelly: Decaf okay?
Remember: if you keep this up, eventually someone will confess.
8) Shorten any and all crime-related words that you can think of. "Tats" means "tattoos," "perps" means "perpetrators" [of the crime]. You also may want to pioneer the use of the word "vics," for "victims."
9) Refer to sex crudely.
10) Sneer.
Sorry I can't tell you how to ultimately solve crimes. I'm sure if I'd watched the end of the show, I would have learned how, but I'm secure in the knowledge that the bad guy (or girl! ha, not really - girls don't kill people) is in jail. Sneer sneer.
So, for all you junior detectives out there, here are some tips I cribbed on how to solve crime (and look totally kickass in the process!):
1) If you're not the boss, refer to the boss exclusively as "boss."
2) If you are the boss, use your underlings' names every time you address them. ("Kelly.")
3) Clues are like pellets when you type the right things into computers.
4) Computers make noises to tell you what is going on. Don't worry about studying the noises ahead of time; you will know what they mean.
5) Reason out loud. Remember: an unspoken thought is no thought at all. If you're the boss and you have an idea about how to solve the crime, announce it to your underling and instruct them to take the necessary steps to pursue it. ("Kelly, we find that silencer, we find the killer.") If you're an underling and have an idea, ask the boss a question. ("Boss, do you think the killer used a silencer?")
6) Remember the little comments your coworkers make and think of some way to mention the same thing the next time you talk to them. ("Organic chemistry.")
7) When speaking to anyone potentially (and however tangentially) related to the crime, be sure to invent a motive and accuse them of it. Example:
Boss: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Hey, boss - want some coffee?
Boss: And is that why you faked her abortion, planted a fetus in the dumpster, and had her body frozen in an abandoned salmon fishery?
Kelly: Decaf okay?
Remember: if you keep this up, eventually someone will confess.
8) Shorten any and all crime-related words that you can think of. "Tats" means "tattoos," "perps" means "perpetrators" [of the crime]. You also may want to pioneer the use of the word "vics," for "victims."
9) Refer to sex crudely.
10) Sneer.
Sorry I can't tell you how to ultimately solve crimes. I'm sure if I'd watched the end of the show, I would have learned how, but I'm secure in the knowledge that the bad guy (or girl! ha, not really - girls don't kill people) is in jail. Sneer sneer.
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