Brace yourself, Ignatius
Having spent the majority of the day at the warm hearth of family and cable news (a combination of Fox and MSNBC), I thought I was well-versed in the Hurricane Katrina Is About To Eat New Orleans story. But in upwards of six total hours of coverage I saw, nobody mentioned:
1) The fact that "Experts have warned about New Orleans' vulnerability for years, chiefly because Louisiana has lost more than a million acres of coastal wetlands in the past seven decades. The vast patchwork of swamps and bayous south of the city serves as a buffer, partially absorbing the surge of water that a hurricane pushes ashore." Hey, does that mean wetlands might be good for something? Who would've thought?
2) That thing about the coffins being released. Wha? Huh? EW. Six hours worth of coverage, and all I can remember seeing is the swirling red and purple orb and some weatherblown newsmen. And the same three facts: Prez. Bush wants people to leave; winds of up to 175mph; Category 5. I think I would remember having heard about the coffins thing, considering that it's scarring my psyche as I type this. Coffins?
Unfortunately, though I feel better-informed having read some news stories, this leaves me with more questions than answers. Questions like:
A) Like, with dead people in them? ew!
B) How? How could this happen? Are the coffins in some sort of masoleum? Is that how you spell masoleum? Isn't the masoleum locked? Are there open-air masoleums? (Masolea?)
B.5) If we're not talking about masoleums, is this to mean that 28 feet of water could somehow unearth coffins? Does this have terrifying broader implications for flooding situations that we need to acknowledge?
C) Are the "legendary cemeteries" that everyone keeps mentioning in these AP stories supposed to be common knowledge, like the Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore? Have I missed out? Why don't I know about the legendary cemeteries?
D) Are coffins sealed shut somehow, or might they release their organic cargo? There's probably no reason to lock a coffin... OR AT LEAST THERE WASN'T UNTIL NOW.
On top of my inability to stop thinking about the coffins being released from the legendary cemeteries, I also now how images of waterlogged zombies swimming around New Orleans. This makes no sort of sense - water doesn't have the capability to bring dead bodies back to life and make them want to eat brains, right? Or have I also missed an entire Flooding/Zombie movie genre as well?
Also, how do we know the roof will stay on the Superdome? Anyone?
I don't mean to appear to be taking all this lightly (the coffins thing is seriously freaking me out, though. I'm not kidding about that.). But the tone of the AP coverage is so different from the cable coverage that it's jarring. All day I've been thinking "poor New Orleans," and all the AP stories are saying, basically, "way to go, Big Easy, you've seen this coming for years and you built levees and drained the wetlands anyway and so you deserve all the dripping zombies you get."
But AP, NOBODY deserves the dripping zombies!
I am going to have some weird-ass dreams tonight.
1) The fact that "Experts have warned about New Orleans' vulnerability for years, chiefly because Louisiana has lost more than a million acres of coastal wetlands in the past seven decades. The vast patchwork of swamps and bayous south of the city serves as a buffer, partially absorbing the surge of water that a hurricane pushes ashore." Hey, does that mean wetlands might be good for something? Who would've thought?
2) That thing about the coffins being released. Wha? Huh? EW. Six hours worth of coverage, and all I can remember seeing is the swirling red and purple orb and some weatherblown newsmen. And the same three facts: Prez. Bush wants people to leave; winds of up to 175mph; Category 5. I think I would remember having heard about the coffins thing, considering that it's scarring my psyche as I type this. Coffins?
Unfortunately, though I feel better-informed having read some news stories, this leaves me with more questions than answers. Questions like:
A) Like, with dead people in them? ew!
B) How? How could this happen? Are the coffins in some sort of masoleum? Is that how you spell masoleum? Isn't the masoleum locked? Are there open-air masoleums? (Masolea?)
B.5) If we're not talking about masoleums, is this to mean that 28 feet of water could somehow unearth coffins? Does this have terrifying broader implications for flooding situations that we need to acknowledge?
C) Are the "legendary cemeteries" that everyone keeps mentioning in these AP stories supposed to be common knowledge, like the Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore? Have I missed out? Why don't I know about the legendary cemeteries?
D) Are coffins sealed shut somehow, or might they release their organic cargo? There's probably no reason to lock a coffin... OR AT LEAST THERE WASN'T UNTIL NOW.
On top of my inability to stop thinking about the coffins being released from the legendary cemeteries, I also now how images of waterlogged zombies swimming around New Orleans. This makes no sort of sense - water doesn't have the capability to bring dead bodies back to life and make them want to eat brains, right? Or have I also missed an entire Flooding/Zombie movie genre as well?
Also, how do we know the roof will stay on the Superdome? Anyone?
I don't mean to appear to be taking all this lightly (the coffins thing is seriously freaking me out, though. I'm not kidding about that.). But the tone of the AP coverage is so different from the cable coverage that it's jarring. All day I've been thinking "poor New Orleans," and all the AP stories are saying, basically, "way to go, Big Easy, you've seen this coming for years and you built levees and drained the wetlands anyway and so you deserve all the dripping zombies you get."
But AP, NOBODY deserves the dripping zombies!
I am going to have some weird-ass dreams tonight.
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